For the last couple months I've tried to live my life by my own values, some are old, some are new, and I think it's about a time for me to put that values in to some action. One of the values that I tried to holding on is that I will never ask God for anything anymore except forgiveness. It's not that I didn't need God, but it's more like how I could ask something that already given to me. With being born in to this world, healthy, I know that I'm blessed more than some people who unlucky. And I do believe that God has provided everything that I wanted and needed to live my life in this world. And I thanks God for that.
And I tell you, it was easy thing to say, but it wasn't easy thing to do. Yesterday my mom was sick and need to be staying at hospital, and I never feel so tempted to ask God for everything turn to be all right. But I couldn't do that this time because I believe that God has provided everything for me to make everything all right, I just need to look and reach for it and I should be thankful for that.
So God, I thank you for giving my mom the doctor who care, a strength for my father, my brother and sisters, a help and care from my friends, and most of all thank you for giving me a chance to live in this world and surrounded me with all these great people.
Balikpapan, a way back
I spent the last 4 days at Balikpapan, doing work for my company at the small city at Kalimantan. It was a nice city, a lively city, surrounded by beach, and famous for its oil and gas industry.
Fortunately my colleague who came with me at Balikpapan is familiar with the city, so I having no trouble at all spotting some area at the city that needed to visit and having a good time, aside from boring work that I did for my company. And you know, the most striking moment at balikpapan is when my colleague asked me how come I didn't have a girlfriend, and I just said that I couldn't found the right girl yet, and he replied " well I think you are too choosy". those words makes me silent. How ironic, just when I realize that I couldn't choose for my heart, and the person next to me judged me for being to choosy. And then he keeps talking about how he misses his family back home, I envy that.
Well, the criteria of best journey for me is knowing that you had someone who misses you back home, I know that I had mom, dad, brother, sisters who misses me, but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about my own family, my own wife and child which I don't have yet. So for you Balikpapan, sadly it wasn't the best journey that I had, but I thank you for me to realize that.
If thereís one thing that i really dislike about my current work, and you all probably know it, is that all the people that I worked with here are college mates, they knew each other very well, they grow up together, and now they were work together too. They share some kind of emotional bound that make them look like a link that build a strong chain. A very strong one. It makes me envy and dislike at the same time, and believe me when I tell you that it was not easy to fill in at that chain, especially for some one like me. To put it short it was sense of me belong there that I didnít feel all this time.
Ironically, where my heart fell in is at one of those links that build the chain, a lovely one, and also ironically it have a very strong bound for the other link that impossible for me to break because the bound it self is too precious to break. And this matter is tearing my mind, night and day. I donít know where this feeling will lead me, i will follow, may it be the hardest way, full of suffering, and breaking the heart of mine, let it be, I will ready for it. Because to whom my heart fell it was not the choice of mine, and for first time in my life I realize that.
Being a mother is the greatest job any human being can ever have
One of my colleagues sent me an e-mail; about the story of the mother that have a child that born without ears. And for her child's sake, she gave her ears, so that her child could have a normal life.
I admit that I'm kind of weak to hear or read the story like this one. And you know why? Because that's the way I was raised. Well it's not about ears, but it's all about the love, devotion, and sacrifice.
Let me tell you about my mother, she's just like an ordinary people. But the way she devoted herself to her child that's me and my sisters and brother, the way she loves us, the way she care about us is the best way that I ever know. I once told simpleguy that it was a miracle that makes me through this life until now, since I am an inept and very shy guy. But I realize it wasn't a miracle, it was love and trust that she crave on me.
So now, whenever I close my eyes and thinks, I will say "I will". She may not have a chance to reach her dream, her plans, her needs, but I will. For all the things she done for me, I will live my life at its fullest so that she can smiles and say "that's my boy, and look what he is now".
Choices, Chances, Changes, Consequences
Well... those words are around this blog for quite long time now as you may notice. Let me tell you story about those words. Those words are representing life, life is choices, life is chances, life is changes, life is consequences, that what was I thought, and I was wrong.
Lately I realized that life still could be represented by those words but in the different perception. Life is about you making choices, life is you making changes, and either way will lead you to chances and consequences and eventually will be back to choices and changes for you to make as it is like a full circle. And the hardest part of life is making changes.
I could recall when the last time I make commitment to change my self, more than a year ago, but honestly I think I began to change my self in the last couple month. The meaning of change here is not always going in 180 degree direction, but it is more about advancing. Why I do that? Why I change? I donít really know, maybe I was bored and want to try something new, but whatever the reasonÖ I am glad I do that.
Now I see new things, I smell new things, feel some things that I thought I already lost. The same old world, the same old life and now I perceived as a new one. And I like it.
I am nothing
I am nothing
For all things that I have not touch
For all things that I have not feel
For the way that I have not walk
That is right my friend
For all things that you had touched
For all things that you had feel
For the way that you had walked
I wish you luck
Surabaya, October 16, 2005